Am I sick of being single?

I've been cynical about love and relationships since, well, my four year relationship ended in 2003. How could I spend so much time with someone and then just completely fall out of love - and not have any reservations, fears, or heartbreak over breaking up with him?

And then six months later I fell for a guy who become one of the most confusing parts of my senior year in UMass.

And thats it. I haven't had a serious relationship since then. I've dated around, but nothing has ever developed. It might be because I'm always changing, always moving on. I'm not exactly sure. But if you want to categorize me, then I'd be a single girl in her early 20s exploring her options, not about to settle for anything. Happy to not have to check in with anyone, happy to mingle and flirt and anything else that may progress from there. Happy to say I moved to another continent without anyone holding me back.

So why am I suddenly re-thinking my ideas of love and relationships? I've technically been boyfriendless since Sept 2004. Nearly three years now.

I've been a content quirkyalone, while many of my closest friends have moved in with their boyfriends, got married, and even bought houses and dogs together. I've always been the friend they can count on to go out and have a good time. I'm the party girl, the group rallier, the one who always wants to have fun, be spontaneous, because we might be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Now, it has nothing to do with the fact that I've been alone for three years that I've suddenly started feeling resentment and jealousy over these girls who have a significant other to lean on and keep them company. I'm not lonely, so I know this isn't it. I think it's something else.

Suddenly, I have options. I don't know yet how real the options are, it's too early to tell, but it's the first time in a while that I have those butterflies when I'm around him. The 'ohmigod he just texted me', 'I have nothing to wear', 'speechless' type of feelings. This is not something I am used to at all.

I talk a lot. My friends could attest to that. But when I'm out on a date and he asks: 'Is something wrong? You've been so quiet' that I need to reaccess what is going on in my head. Am I being shy because I like him? Because I honestly can't think of anything normal to say. And then when I start overthinking, my brain starts to shut down. Please may I have another glass of wine?

Suddenly I feel like I'm in high school and every flaw, blemish and insecurity is evident to him. What has happened to the flirt, who will go up to a guy in a club and start dancing with him without even asking his name? Now it's like that girl is being suppressed because, well, there's a chance this guy may actually like me.

And I may actually like him back. And here I thought I'd have nothing to worry about.